Life

It's been a long time since I've posted anything on this blog, and honestly not much has changed. I'm back in Washington and have been since April. I don't really plan to leave anytime soon because I don't know what I'm doing and I'm not sure when I will. My life is just kind of going with the flow right now, I was trying to find a job but that wasn't going well for me. I'd get interviews but never callbacks after those, it was really overwhelming me. So I started doing more babysitting/nannying, I now watch a little girl named Arianna 4 days a week usually about 8 hours a day. I am also going to start watching 2 more kiddos named Chasen and Molly along with Arianna but I'm not sure how often I will have them. Every once in a while I also go over after school to watch Brielle, Kristen, Lauren and sometimes Ashton since I am done with the other kids by the time they get home. Children have been filling my life, which is a good thing for me. I absolutely love kids. I'm just going along with my life one step at a time. Trying to figure out what I want and what I want to change. I'll get there eventually, maybe.

What am I doing? I don't know!

In the past few months I've gone from wanting to come home forever and never coming back to Utah, to coming back as soon as possible, to now not knowing when I want to come back or if I even do. I don't have the motivation or the want to be in Utah right now and I don't think that's going to change in just one semester off of schooling here. I don't know what I want, but I'm just trying to figure out what will be best for me and what will be the best decision for my life. So I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how long I'll be back in Washington. All I know is that HOME is the place for me right now. Being around those who love me and in a more familiar place is where I NEED to be right now.

I'm even more lost than I thought was possible

I really don't know what I want and that drives me absolutely crazy. I know what I don't want, but that doesn't help because I haven't quite narrowed it down to not wanting everything but one thing. Sometimes I wonder why I'm here and what I'm doing with my life, actually not sometimes; all the time. I often feel like it's the only thing I think about, what is my purpose in this world? I mean I know I'm here for some reason otherwise I wouldn't have been sent here by our Heavenly Father, so why can't I just figure it out? Do you ever just wish Heavenly Father would've told you exactly what you needed to do in this life? Maybe given you some sort of road map to your own life? But we have this dang thing called agency where we make our own decisions, I guess I should be thankful of being able to make my own choices and do my own thing. Honestly the only reason I'm staying in Utah is so that I don't have to go home. Yeah I love my family but, after being on my own for a while I don't think I can ever go back to living with my parents. So I'm just going with it, I'm just taking classes and making the best of it with no idea of what my future is supposed to be. Not having an idea on what I want to do or what my plan or path in life is makes me feel so stupid but, I guess I'll figure it out someday...

Trying to find MY place in this world

"I don't know what I want. So don't ask me. 'Cause I'm still trying to figure it out. Don't know what's down this road. I'm just walking. Trying to see through the rain coming down. Even though I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. I'm alone, on my own. And that's all I know. I'll be strong, I'll be wrong. Oh, but life goes on. Oh, I'm just a girl trying to find a place in this world." - A Place In This World by Taylor Swift. This song sums up my life right now. I know I'm not alone but right now I feel like it's partially what I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. My time home for Winter break has been fantastic but it has made me realize how much my parents and family do for me when I'm here. How I need to do them for myself so that I can be my own person like I keep saying I want to do. I have loved being home and spending time with my family but I am ready to leave. I am ready to live my life and figure out MY place in this world, I know there's one out there perfectly designed for me by our Heavenly Father and I just have to find it and enable myself to do the great things He has in store for me.

And I'm Home On A Whim

We waited super last minute to buy my plane ticket cause I was having troubles getting ahold of my manager at work. Well, let's just say I never did and my mom eventually just bought a ticket. I called and called, left messages for her to call me and then eventually called and told whoever was there that day to take me off the schedule for the time that I would be gone, which was going to be quite a long time (almost a full month); but who knows if they really did that or not. But I have been home for a little while now and I still have not heard from anybody from work so they either actually took me off the schedule or I'm fired and I just don't know it yet. That'll be a fun one to go figure out when I go back home, makes me quite nervous; what do you even say when this happens? I guess we'll find out when I go back!

I am so grateful to have you

With Thanksgiving being a few days ago it really hit me how much I miss being at home with my family and friends. It made me realize how grateful I am to have the family and the support that I do. So thankful to have such loving, caring and understanding parents, siblings and all the rest of my family. How great is it that I have such great relationships with so many people that are related to me? Who knew I would have so many people on my side, wanting me to succeed? I used to take the love from these people for granted, and I'm sure they noticed; but thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for always being there for me no matter what mistake I made. Thank you for being my family. I am so grateful to have each and every single one of you in my life.

Gawh...

My life is making me sick. It is having too many ups and downs. One minute I'm so ready to be here and do everything and be my own person and then the next I just wanna go home and cuddle up to my mommy and be a child again. I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I still don't know why I'm even here in Salt Lake. Both of these have been quite difficult for me, to be so unknown. I just want to know right now. I want God to call down to me and tell me the exact answers to my questions, but I guess that's not how he works...